Saturday, January 4, 2014

Searching for My Home

I didn't know I'd have this many nerves. I honestly didn't think I'd have a hard time with it at all. From such a young age, I've dreamt of seeing the Big Wide World and meeting every single one of It's inhabitants. In my mind I've wandered the deserts and climbed the mountains and shook hands with prime ministers and discovered new breeds of butterflies with botanists deep in the Amazon and danced with the native peoples of a land which still hasn't been touched by "the outside world".

I spent nights awake, thinking of all the ways I could get across the seas.
I shed more tears each year that it didn't happen.

So why now, do I find myself breaking down and grasping at these familiar things around me that I've previously been so ready to leave behind? A lifetime of daydreams have prepared me for today... but I don't feel prepared. I don't feel ready. I am not ready.

Why can't I just relax and trust that we've done what we need to do, and that everything else will not just "work out" or "come together", but will actually be everything I've wanted it to be... everything I've needed it to be.

Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself. Maybe everyone's "Wow!"s and "I could never do that!"s and "What a HUGE change!"s have changed my excitement to fear. Will everything get done? I don't know. Will I still be shaking in emotional terror once I've arrived at my destination? I honestly couldn't predict it. I'm truly on a roller coaster and I have no idea where it will lead me, if it will stop on a hill or a valley. Hopefully it will never stop, but will slow down and turn into one of those kiddy rides that go at a speed in which you can actually view what you pass by. Or it could turn into a train that stops whenever I want it to, and glides by the places I don't need to experience...

Days to Takeoff: 8
**Days to move out of our home: 3**

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